I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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