Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
