when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
