you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
