he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
