After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
