"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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