trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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