the condom got lost in my hair
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
