My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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