i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
