When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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