So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
