He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
