onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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