I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
