all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
handjob tips. give me some.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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