Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
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Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
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If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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