Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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