I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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