I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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