guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
