A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
