I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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