My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
