At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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