My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
