a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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