I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
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Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
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Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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