i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
