I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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