Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
