You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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