This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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