Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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