I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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