So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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