so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
