all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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