I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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