Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
