Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
