i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
