I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
