i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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