Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He better not be in your backpack
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
