I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
