It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm just crazy horny about you
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
