Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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