I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
