I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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