Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
