Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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