I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
