No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
